...and I mean that in both the most literal and metaphoric ways possible. Don't read too deep into the title though. Marriage isn't bad. It's just hard. No scratch that. Challenging? Yes, challenging. We're both spoiled and independent individuals trying to become one. It ain't easy because being married is a full time job with no vacation or sick days BUT comes with amazing benefits if you show up everyday and work hard.
I remember when I told my best friend S.P. about my engagement. Her first response was the expected excitement with lots of "OMG!" and "Congratulations!" But then she remembered who her best friend was and promptly asked me to hand over all my sneakers.
What can I say? She knows me oh so well.
It's not that I don't love my husband. I do. Unconditionally. It's just that I have a habit of breaking into an Olympic sprint at the slightest hint of hurt, pain or rejection. I love hard whether it's family, friends or romantic relationships which means I am super sensitive. My Type A personality doesn't help in this matter as I have a proactive notion to run well BEFORE shit hits the fan.
In my first year of marriage, I am ashamed to say that I used the word divorce in arguments more times than NIcki Minaj refers to herself as Barbie. Did I mean it? Sometimes yes. Most times no. My husband is one of the good guys. Our "adjustment period" has not been easy. Nothing drastic like infidelity or whatnot. Simple but annoying things like who is to do what chore or one of us misinterpreting what the other person said. Sounds silly (and it is) but when you take two individuals who were living alone for years prior to marriage, such small disagreements can snowball into avalanches.
He has been my best friend and confidant for years before we became one. The thought (or fear) of living without him scares me to the point where I would threaten to leave before he had a chance to let such a thought cross his mind. He never tried to leave though. To be honest, my hurtful worlds were some sort of strange defense mechanism that made me believe I was this "Independent Bad Bitch" and mask my emotions. Or so I thought.
But after celebrating our one year anniversary on May 19th, I knew I had to change. Remember me yapping about submitting to my husband? Yeahhhhhhh...I'm still working on that as well as being committed to making our marriage work. No matter how such we fuss over frivolous topics, I'm here to stay.
Ain't no divorce, bih.
For better or for worse. To death do us part. That's my better half and I'm sticking to him.